Marc Maron has been a stand-up comedian for his whole adult life and more recently started a very popular podcast. He interviews mostly comedians but also actors and musicians about their lives and careers. He starts each episode with a little comedy and casual update on his life. He is honest and self-reflective which appeals to the therapist in me. 

Don't be scared off by the title of the show "WTF" (which stands for what you think it stands for) or scared off by his cursing.

Anyway, Marc is very open about his struggles with food which he relates back to his mother's struggles and disordered eating. 

Here is a clip of him talking about his ice cream addiction and his very critical voice and dialogue that goes along with his addiction. It starts at about 6 minutes in.

I like this clip because he really breaks down the details of how harsh we can be with ourselves - the types of conversations and dialogue that goes on in our heads. Can you relate to it?

What is the difference between self-esteem and self compassion? I watched this TED talk by Dr. Kristin Neff (Associate Professor in Human Development and Culture at University of Texas at Austin) and have been thinking about now have these concepts bopping around my head.

I think the most profound part of this is that you need to have self compassion in order to have better self-esteem. 

Imagine a young woman, who looks attractive and stylish and has a youthfulness about her that radiates out of her.

But, for that young woman, she doesn't feel it. When she looks in the mirror, she sees an ugly nose, fat cheeks, hair that doesn't sit right and a body that is too fat. She thinks she looks disgusting and works really hard to feel good enough to leave the comfort of her home and face the day. (We will take a closer look at why this happens for her in the next post).

Whenever something happens to her during the day that will contribute to this belief she has that she is disgusting and unlovable, she latches onto it right away and feels worse about herself which reinforces this belief. But, whenever something happens that doesn't contribute or trigger this belief, she tosses it out and forgets it ever happened. 

Want an example?

She runs into a friend while walking along the sidewalk. The friend says, "You look great today!" Because this doesn't fit with her belief about herself, she doesn't believe it. Let me reiterate, she doesn't believe it and therefore it can't be the friend's true feelings. So, she tosses it out right away and doesn't think about it again.

Ok, let's say she runs into this same friend and the friend says, "You look tired today" or it could be something much more subtle - the friend looking at her hair or nose or a part of the young woman's body that she feels sensitive about. She immediately assumes that this friend is looking at her and thinking that her hair looks bad or her nose is ugly. And, this feeling is so strong and fits with her belief so much that she ends up adding it to her core self and feels like her belief must be true because her friend validated the feeling.

So, in summary, any positive coments are thrown away and forgotten and any negative comments are taken in and added to the core beliefs.

This type of thing happens all day long. She is unconsciously allowing herself to maintain this poor level of self-esteem.

In the next post, I will talk about where this comes from.

I recently got this email from an old friend from Baltimore and I thought I would share the email. I'm sure others can relate to this situation.

Hugs, 
Emma

Emma and I were friends before either of us had children. I moved away to Edmonton when she was pregnant with her first daughter. Then, last summer I moved to Victoria with my then 3.5 year-old and 1.5 year-old into a rental house. Recently we bought a house here in Victoria and moved again with two slightly-older young children. So, yes I do have a lot of experience with moving & kids. Here are my thoughts.

So, on the practical side:

• frog boxes made my last move much easier. They are big green bins that you rent and use instead of cardboard boxes. Not only are they good for the environment but you don't need to worry about fully packing them but you don't need to tape boxes shut. And, this is amazing because when you pack with kids, you sometimes accidently pack important items and need to pull them back out. I swear I should be a ad rep for these folks!
• Pack in a few days. I've packed a couple boxes a day over the course of a couple months and it just really draws out the process. Do it fast. It goes by more quickly and there is less of chance of accidently packing something you still need.
• Before you pack, do some downsizing. Go through everything and offload it to craigslist or usedvictoria. Or, have a garage sale. Donate stuff to local charities.
• Pack your boxes in a way that will make it easier to unpack. Label them by the room that they go in and what is inside them. Highlight the boxes that need to be opened first (some kitchen boxes, kids bedding, bathroom stuff). 
• Let your kids help pack. Give them the important task of deciding which few toys will not be put in with boxes and will be kept out in their own luggage for the move. Let them pack at least one box of their own items.

On the emotional side:

• Library books! There are some great kids books about moving. Start getting these books early. Read them together and talk about your upcoming move. Use them to help open up dialogue about the move. There are tons out there, here are a few to get you started.
  • Berenstain Bears' Moving Day, Stan & Jan Berenstain
  • Alexander, Who's Not (Do You Hear Me? I Mean It!) Going To Move, Judith Viorst
  • My New Home and Me, Lyn Thomas
  • Saying Good-Bye, Saying Hello...When Your Family Is Moving, R.W. Alley
  • Big Ernie's New Home: A Story For Children Who Are Moving, Teresa & Whitney Martin
• Let your child have his or her own feelings about the move. Try not to rescue them from their feelings. Agree and validate. "Yes, it is sad that we are leaving our friends. That is the hardest part about moving away." Or "I can understand why you are mad at me and dad for deciding to move. I would be mad too."
• Say goodbye to friends and other important people. Do take the time to say goodbyes as they are an important ritual and way of handing difficult feelings. We have to say goodbyes throughout our lives so teach them a mature way to handle them.
• Brace yourself for some extra emotions. My 3 year old had a big tantrum at the Victoria airport baggage claim after I accidently threw away a lolipop (lolipops are great for little kids' ears during take off and landing by the way). The timing of the tantrum led me to believe that it was more about having a lot of feelings about the move than the lolipop. Remember that children have little control over tantrums and are trying to deal with difficult emotions. Offer support, help them identify their feelings - "you are mad that I threw that lolipop away" and then help teach them to self-soothe. 
• Help your child come up with a project to remember their old friends, neighborhood and house. Make a photo album or make your own book about moving or write a song. Whatever would appeal to your child. 

So, that is more or less what I told Emma.

So, I had an interesting weekend. I was on the radio! My colleague Jody Watson and I were on The Real Parenting Show with Shirley Broback on Saturday afternoon on CFax. I was very nervous about the public speaking aspect of it. But, I pushed through my nerves and even had some fun.

We got to discuss relationships in the context of parenting. We talked about preventing divorce and strengthening relationships. And we got to put in a word in about our couples workshop too. 

You can listen to it here. It is an hour long program. Our segment is 35 minutes in just after the news. 

Thank you Shirley and Jody.

Depression can feel like a battle. The combination of low mood, irritability, lack of energy, sleep problems, appetite problems and poor self-esteem make the process of climbling out of depression a true struggle. It is hard to activate the motivation needed to get out of the depression. Often people suffering from depression don't admit they feel depressed for a while. There is still a stigma with depression and general sense that the person can and should just push through it. Therapy (and at times medication) are important for improving mood.

But, there are many things you can try on your own to decrease depression first. One idea is to kickstart some pleasure back into your body and mind. This list is taken directly from the book, The CBT Toolbox on page 243 by Jeff Riggenbach.

1. Soaking in the bathtub
2. Burning incense
3. Kissing
4. Taking a weekend trip
5. Thinking about a past vacation
6. Going on a date/flirting
7. Nurturing your pet
8. Going for a walk or jog
9. Listening to music
10. Going to a party or get-together
11. Being outdoors
12. Looking at photos from past trips
13. Reading
14. Brushing your hair
15. Giving or receiving a hug
16. Remembering beautiful scenery
17. Playing tennis, frisbee golf or another sport
18. Drawing or looking at someone else's art
19. Catching up with old friends on Facebook
20. Trying a new support group
21. Trying a new church
22. Going to a casino
23. Renting a movie
24. Going to a sporting event
25. Going to the gym
26. Dancing 
27. Karate
28. Enjoying nature
29. Yoga
30. Sleeping
31. Getting a massage
32. Going for a drive
33. Calling a supportive person
34. Flying a kite
35. Praying
36. Buying flowers
37. Having a manicure/pedicure
38. Going swimming
39. Watching a sunrise or sunset
40. Riding a bike
41. Having responsible sex
42. Having a quiet evening at home
43. Drinking a cup of coffee
44. Going to a lake
45. Getting together with old friends
46. Exercising to an aerobics/yoga DVD
47. Going to a play
48. Getting on the Internet and researching something you enjoy
49. Giving a small gift to someone else

There are countless other activities you can do. Think back to a time before you felt depressed and ask yourself what gave you pleasure back then. Or, ask a friend what they enjoy doing. Think small - it doesn't have to be a big event. Simple pleasures count too. The idea here is to just do them even if they don't initially provide any pleasure. The hope is that this will still induce a bit of happiness in you.

Try one!

Today I am sharing some eating-disordered-related news pieces that popped into my inbox this week. It is a topic that is in the news a lot. Here are four articles of about 30 that were in my inbox and floating around the online news sources this week. Many adults struggle with eating disordered behavior with the most relentless symptom (in my opinion) being the ongoing obsessing about weight, calorie intake, exercise, rigid food intake and/or guilt. The actual weight of the person is but one small clue as to the complexity of a person's relationship with food and her (or his) body.

Therapy with someone struggling with eating disordered behavior or body image or self-esteem with me involves talking about the behavior and feelings around food a bit and spending the majority of time working with the issues underlying the symptoms. We use the symptoms as a barometer for how the person is feeling and dealing with those underlying isues.

• Pregnant woman struggling with body image and eating disorders in UK News

• The 'Almost Anorexic" phenomenon from the same source

• Flash mob promotes healthy body image from our local Times Colonist

• Preteen eating disorders on the rise (under age 12) in CBC Newsday

March 1st was Self-Injury Awareness Day.

More people harm themselves than you might think. It is a form of self-expression as a way of coping with negative internal feelings. There are various levels of self harm. Many daily activities can become forms of self harm. Cutting is the most widely recognized form of self-harm but there are many types of it - burning skin, not letting a wound heal by continually picking off the scab, eating disorders, banging the head against a wall and many many more. Women tend to self harm more then men because women tend to turn anger inward. But also, cutting has become popular in recent years. More teens are testing out cutting the way others might try drugs or smoking cigarettes which means more people are exposed to it.

Self harm and cutting can be extrememly dangerous for many reasons. Physically, infection and cutting "too deep" could be serious problems that require medical attention. Emotionally, it is important to learn to deal with feelings as they arise directly rather than bottling them and then expressing via hurting yourself. 

I am not an expert on self-harm but I have worked with and continue to work with people who use this as a coping method. Each person has a unique perspective on why they cut and what it seems to help with. My goal when one presents with self harm as part of their symptoms is to understand their internal world - the messages they tell themselves and the lessons they have learned and the patterns around why they harm themsevles. If the cutting/harm is serious, I strongly encourage medical attention. Otherwise, the focus of the therapy is on the issues underneath the harming.

Here are a couple of extensive websites with loads of information for those that harm themselves.

self-injury.net is run by a 28 y.o. woman that has cut and considers herself "in recovery". 

National Self Harm Network a charity service out of the UK that provides information, support, advice and advocacy

Leftovers...

Despite the photograph of food, I'm not talking about turkey. I am referring to the feelings and events that have occurred over the holidays that now sit inside festering. Leftovers are the thoughts left unsaid to important people - lovers, mothers, old friends. Leftovers are the old feelings that sit quietly inside you until they are triggered by events such as a holiday meal or a lonely holiday and feel fresh, raw and new again. We all have leftovers from the holidays by the mere fact that Christmas and the surrounding holidays evoke memories from the past and remind us of what we do and don't have. Who we are and are not. Where we are in space and age. We think about why we exist, why others are in or out of our lives at this point in time and where to go next.

It is but 2 days into the new year and I've already had a week's worth of conversations about leftovers with clients. I'm happy my clients have a place to process their feelings about what has or hasn't happened over the holidays. It also gives me a chance to reflect with each person and offer a different perspective.

Happy new year, leftovers and all!